Afraid to Love
...written on 2000-12-11, @ 10:20:24
Tales of Kim's Live in Japan
Mon December 11, 2000
Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was talking about my adventure in Kyoto with Manami and Yasuyo. Well, as I said, I invited Yasuyo to my apartment for some tea. I enjoy having people over to my apartment, but this is not a Japanese custom (entertaining in one's house), so the Japanese are usually pretty curious about how I live and why I have invited them over.
Yasuyo settled in as I scurried about making tea. Yasuyo's English ability is low, which makes it high compared to my Japanese ability, so we conversed in English. We talked about ourselves, I told her about some of my travels, she told me about her boyfriend, I told her about my marriage & divorce, we laughed together about the TV show, "Ally McBeal", which is shown in Japan as "Ally, My love", and I was impressed with the depth of feeling in the simple words of our communication.
Yasuyo talked about Rachel, the last English teacher here, who she became best friends with, and who ended up getting engaged to a Japanese man. Yasuyo said that at first she felt jealous that someone was taking Rachel away from her, that Rachel was HER friend, but Rachel told her that she was in love and Yasuyo slowly began to like Rachel's boyfriend.
Now, I've mentioned a few of my little interests here in Japan so far, some fleeting, some imaginary, some everlasting, and I asked Yasuyo if she went to America and knew she was only staying for a year, would she have a boyfriend.
She paused and I could see she was summing up our conversation to this point and trying to find the words to express her answer to my question. She tilted her head to one side, took a rather deep breath, and while exhaling said, "Kim, I think you are afraid to love."
I sat in stunned silence, and as her words sank in, they filled my eyes with tears and I began to cry. She slid over next to me on the tatami and held my hand. She said she felt bad that she had caused this emotion in me, but I told her not to worry, that she had made me understand something deep inside of me, something that has been buried for a long time.
And another pearled layer cracked.