Black Mood Rising
...written on 02.21.02, @ 12:07 p.m.
Wednesday Feb 20, 2002 Note: I am updating from a Japanese computer, so it is doing weird things to all of my apostrophes and quotes. Thus I am deleting them from my entires for a while.
Should I be a little miffed that no one has sent the marines to search me out? Ive been and still am somewhat incommunicado. My computer at home took a final nose dive (that is until the end of March when I journey to the States to get it fixed) and I am updating from a rather uncomfortable place . . . work. For some reason, I also cant dial out on my home phone and calling to the States on my cell phone is not economically sound.
The effect that this excommunication has had on me has been intriguing. For example, the other night I found myself tied up in my futon covers on the floor with an oppressive weight on my chest and I had decided that they were going to find my stiff, inert body in 26 hours, and that before that, I really ought to dispose of all of my sex toys and clean my apartment.
But, I didnt have enough energy to do that, so I continued writhing on the self-pity soaked tatami as my black thoughts made the night even darker.
In the morning light, my ominous mood shriveled itself into a little corner file drawer in my psyche and I resumed normal happy function until the nightly trudge up my apartment steps. Wrapped in futon warmness, I felt the chest vise tighten again and I really wanted it to be over. It has just gotten too hard. However, before I got into any thoughts of the beyond, I began chiding myself. I HAVE IT EASY! I AM BLESSED (aside from a dicey case of procrastination and excess facial hair), and that there are millions of people who would switch my life and opportunities for theirs or for their loved ones.
Thats about the time I really kicked myself in the ass, got up and made a plan. Im on a new road. My black mood is gone.