Bull in a China Shop
...written on 06.09.02, @ 10:23 p.m.
Sun June 9, 2002
# 2 of 2 entries posted Sun June 9
Last night I went to Bizen early to help prepare the vegetarian dishes I had selected for Rachel's good bye party. I got there about 8:30 and all but one of the ten stools were taken. I told them not to worry, that I was there to cook.
Friday I had taken all the goodies to Yuko and discussed what I was going to bring and what she could provide. Yuko's English is ok, but she asked me to come early to help her prepare everything. Upon seeing how busy the place was, I realized that I should have made everything at home and then brought it, but one of my intentions was to have Yuko learn some new dishes. I excused myself, saying I would be back later, and went home and made everything.
By the time I got back to Bizen, Yuko had made the tabouli and had attempted the vegetarian burger, but added cold water to it instead of the required boiling water, so it was ruined. The tabouli and the tofu scramble that followed however were delicious. To that, I added the taco nature burger experiment and we all wolfed down the veggie goodness.
I could tell that Yuko and her mother were still upset from my earlier visit, and to be honest, so was I. I have been having intense personal internal turmoil lately and this situation only exacerbated my already raw self-pitying feelings.
It would be easy to say that it is all cultural, and a good portion of it is, but I can't avoid the fact that it is has happened in many of the cultures I have crossed (including my own), so I must admit it has to do with my own personality.
You see, I do things with the best of intentions, but I think that my manner may be rather forceful. I guess I might be jealous of my ideas. Of course, I think they are the greatest! I am always looking for a better way to do things, but oh so often I end up stepping on toes, and I stepped on plenty of feet last night.
When I do this, I take on an extremely surly look because I am busy berating myself on the inside, telling myself that I should have done this instead of that, or whatever, but everyone on the outside thinks I am mad at them.
So today, I have been dancing around the task of an emotional/psychological make-over. It's about time. I don't quite know how I am going to go about it, but if I harken back to a time when I was in the Dominican Republic, I might get a clue.
Back then I was really into Taoism. I had my books out, I studied, I tried to put it into my life everyday. I felt balanced and peaceful. I distinctly remember coming home one night to find my friend Kathy in my house. She was waiting there with a neighbor to tell me I had been robbed. Someone had pried the metal blinds in my living room apart and squeezed through to take a clock radio. When she told me what happened, I remember a red hot surge ran from my toes to the top of my head, but just as quickly, if not quicker, it was doused and I felt calm again. I remember feeling very astonished at this.
I think Japan is an interesting testing ground. This is a country that prides itself on keeping things concealed. I have watched and been involved in many near misses. By near misses, I mean collisions with cars, people or bicycles. In the beginning, I registered shock, anger or dismay on my face, but I have been practicing hiding these reactions as those around me do. I'm not to my Tao-ful place yet, for though the expressions are out of view, there is a violent spew of expletives surging in my brain. I wonder if it is so with the Japanese? Are they calm on the inside as well as the outside? After all the years of holding it in, does it go away? I will have to ask someone sometime.
Anyway, I don't think it is a matter of control and concealment as much as it is one of diminishing the ego, the attachment to being right, the attachment to having the best idea.