Letting Go
...written on 09.15.02, @ 11:02 p.m.
Sun Sept 15, 2002
I have a couple of friends who are in situations in their lives where they are finding it hard to let go. I'm pretty sure all of us have been there at least once or twice.
These particular instances concern romantic relationships that they are or were in. I was with one of them today and heard her relate that she thought her guy was angry at her for thinking about forcing him to do something he didn't want to do (see her). I asked her what she wanted to hear, because from my previous conversations with her about him, I've easily gotten the idea that the guy doesn't want to pursue a relationship. She didn't answer that specifically, rather she told me of her plans to meet with some of his relatives to see if she could get the answers to her questions. Whoo, I said, I can see why he got angry. Again, she avoided my comment and changed the subject.
I want to help my friends. I've already offered up my own case study in various opportunities, I've reflected their feelings, given some advice and even kicked a little butt. I don't think I am getting through and I have to respect that. I wouldn't have budged much from my own, what I now see as deluded, course of action if someone had opposed me back then.
I did have opposition as a matter of fact, but chose to defend my love. I disregarded the advice of those who loved me and IGNORED the red flags I was sent before committing to the most hellish relationship I ever had in my life.
So I am trying to remember what it was like, feeling like I had to hold on to a relationship that was literally consuming my mind, body and soul. It's not too hard to remember actually, as I have in my lap 12 letters that I sent to my friend Kathy during those bleak and dark times (she saved them for me). Back then I felt like it was all my fault and that I could do something to make it better, that there was something in my personality or behavior that I could change to turn things around. I came at it from the "it has to be ME" standpoint (I had much help in that regard, I might add) and how horrible I must be to cause him not to love me. So I tried to change me, convince him, whatever, it didn't work and I suffered.
May 3, 1988 (A poem about my relationship from me to my friend, Kathy)
Un vacio en el pecho, dolor de tanto llorar. Que paso que las grullas se pusieron a volar? Se marcan las horas mil heridas mas, con una sencilla pregunta, "Amor, a donde vas?" Quedarme sin fuerza con una tristeza inmensa, no creo que la vida deba ofrecer esa recompensa. Porque ni cruel ni doloroso tiene que ser, el compartir con uno el deseo de querer. El cansancio que llevo aqui en mi corazon, se aliviara con un segundo en sus brazos, pero el tiempo para otros se ha convertido en lazos. Alumnos abundan y el maestro piensa aprender, pero ni cuenta se da que empieza a perder. La costilla se le esta doliendo, a punto de morir, extrano que el tiempo no la haya acostumbrado a sufrir
June 1, 1988 (Letter to Kathy)
"The illusions of love, or the delusions, do wacky things to a person--I know. I'm totally deluded, polluted, whatever-else-uted. I'm just anxious to know how this will all turn out. The guy has damaged me-I can't look at or even think of anyone else, I can't bear to imagine sharing myself with anyone else. Am I loca? I suffer such mental and emotional abuse here."
****** The last few letters show a stronger Kim emerging. I had found help. I realized that it wasn't all my fault and that I had choices, and that I could let go and move on. It wasn't my first relationship and it wouldn't be my last. However, I will admit, that it was the worst. Hahahahahaha.
I can laugh about it now. I can open the letters and read them without flinching, but it took time and I know my friends will need time and I will be there with unconditional love and support.
"The day that a woman can love with her strength and not with weakness, not to escape herself, but to find herself,not to renounce herself, but to affirm herself,then love will be for her, as well as for the man, a source of life and not a mortal danger." Simone de Beauvior (my translation from a Spanish version)
Trust yourself to feel and let go.
"Holding on to anything or anyone demonstrates a belief in shortage. Holding on to anything -- people or possessions -- blocks the flow of energy around our experience with the person or object and reduces the joy of the experience and inhibits new people and new things from coming into our lives. As we open our hearts and expand our trust in the natural abundance of the Universe, we give ourselves and everyone else the gift of freedom." Arnold Patent