Limbo #3
...written on 2001-05-01, @ 2:29 p.m.
Tales of Kim's Life in Japan
Tue May 1, 2001
"Fred, look at that! " I said, pointing to the closest mountain range with a super white tuft of clouds on top of it. "It looks like a giant Yeti reclining on the mountains with his hand draped casually over that one." Fred laughed as he tried to close the trunk of his car over the purchases I had just made at the superstore. We climbed into his car and drove out of the lot.
"Fred, I feel kind of sad." I said, my throat knotted with the tension of an "I'm going to cry at any second" feeling. He asked me why I was feeling sad. I told him I wasn't sure really, but maybe it had something to do with the similar "post-partum depression" that many new mothers have. After all, I had just renewed my contract . . . perhaps I am going through a "post-signum depression".
We talked a little bit about how things were going, and I'm not sure if he understood or if it made him uncomfortable or if he was merely registering the info and would process it later, but he was rather quiet. Later, in my apartment as he helped me connect the new two-burner stove and rearrange the washing machine, he told me that his family really wanted to see me this week and that if I ever felt lonely to please give them a call. Ah, he had understood. I smiled and said "Thank you", and as he went out the door he said that no thanks were necessary.
So, seven months into my first year, I have signed up to stay for another year. Eek, talk about a commitment! I'm not too nervous about it though. I like what I'm doing. It also means that I have done away with one of my limbos, the "should I stay or should I go?" limbo.
Now that I will be staying on until at least October of 2002, I can splurge and get myself a two-burner stove, buy phony tiles to cover up the light green ones over the sink that don't match anything within a 3 kilometer radius of my apartment. They certainly don't match the orange and yellow vinyl floor that will be the next redecorating project, for I know I can't go another 18 months treading on that thing.
I have been the Queen of Organization this week! All my rearranging and newly purchased plastic drawer thingees have won me some much needed space. Now I can work on my arts and crafts in a separate area and just shut the closet door on the clutter! Now there is no excuse to have a mess on the dining room table (hear that, SELF?!). I actually will also be able to sit down while I eat for a change.
I mention this because I have found that when I feel there are decisions I need to make in my life and I procrastinate about making them, my personal and psychological environments begin to clutter. I HATE CLUTTER! I can rant and rail at the physical manifestation of my psychological unease all I want, but it usually won't go away until I address the real issues.
So, like I said, Limbo #1 is out of the way. I also took care of Limbo #2 this morning. I had a telephone interview for a TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) training course in Kyoto this summer and I was accepted. Whew! That means I will be in glorious old Kyoto for three and a half to four weeks! I will find a nice hostel or something to stay in for the majority of my stay, but I also want to stay a couple of nights in a temple and attend the morning zazen meditation services. Those monks better not be popping me with a bamboo rod though, or I will "enlighten" them on a few things. tee-hee, just kidding.
I feel good about having danced my way under and away from those limbos.
Now if I could only finish my taxes . . .