Blue Train of Self Doubt
...written on 2001-04-12, @ 9:59 p.m.
Tales of Kim's Life in Japan
Thu April 12, 2001
Kim is feeling blue. Boo hoo hoo. I had a rough class tonight in Ikeda. They were 8th graders. I've had most of them before. It wasn't their fault.
I was supposed to review 3 things with them. The present progressive, how to give directions and how to ask for and give help. I had a lesson plan, I had the materials, I had the energy, but something went wrong.
Originally the class was to have been two classes of 15 students, but for some reason the students wanted me to teach just one class with all of them in it, so I accquiesed, added to my materials and went up to face the roaring crowd of 30 students. How tough could 45 minutes be, right?
She-yit. It was rough. No control, no concentration. Some students were trying, but others were gabbing about their school supplies or what not. It wasn't their fault. It was mine. I don't think I explained things well enough for them or they couldn't hear or whatever, they didn't get it and they just fell into their own worlds.
So after class, I tried to explain it all to the branch boss and the other teacher. I was depressed about my failure. They were worried about me. Part of me is glad it happened though. Now they know why I always ask for smaller classes, and I bet I will have them from now on.
I was feeling blue while I was sitting on the train home. Doubting my ability and wherewithall to stick it out for another year. I stared at my image reflected in the window opposite me. Every now and then we would stop at a station with another train and as we would leave in the other direction, I would get quick snapshots of other ordinary people on their way home from work or school as the train windows crisscrossed each other in the inky evening darkness. It was like a scene out of an indie movie. So many faces, so many different stories. I wonder how many of them were blue?
Speaking of blue. . . got home, got a coke, and fired up the computer. I saw "The Blue Day Book" on the table and went through it again. It is by Bradley Trevor Greive and it is a hilarious collection of pictures of animals put to comments about why we feel blue. I was smiling by the end of it.
I am so sleepy. God I wish the weekend were here so I could just catch up and lose this jetlag! I am going to pack it in, I can't hold off. YAWN!