Self Talk
...written on 12.01.02, @ 11:33 p.m.
Sun December 1, 2002
Nov 23rd & 24th I went to a JALT (Japanese Association of Language Teaching) conference in Shizuoka. It was basically a two day affair crammed with workshops. I saw a couple of old acquaintances and made some new ones.
I didn't have a hotel reservation when I got there, so I had to do some manuevering when I arrived. I left the conference early on the first day to call about. I was prepared to have to commute back to Ogaki, but I was also willing to pay more for the convenience of not having to make the three hour journey. Supposedly I got the last room at one of the major hotels for not much more than was stated in the conference materials, so I happily settled into the double bed accomodations and got comfortable.
There were many lectures and workshops available and I opted to go to many of the ones that were focused on teaching young children. There were also many publishers vending their wares so I got many free samples as well.
I like to sit up front so I can see and hear better. Many times the presenters asked for volunteers and I jumped up to help. Often I had to pretend I was a four or five year old (No Problem!).
One particular workshop was a lot of fun for me as it meshed my drama interests with teaching English. The presenters had us work on two dialogues. They fed us the lines and the motivation and we dutifully followed the script. They built it up in such a way as we continually had to repeat the scenes and then we had a final performance with volunteers. The rendition that my partner and I did was well received.
During one break, I ran into a woman I had seen at the train station in Ogaki. She had been ahead of me in line, talking with the ticket agent, using Japanese words that she had written on a notepad. The clerk was hesitating and the woman kept repeating her instructions and finally with a big huff, turned around to me and said "I mean really! How hard can that be to understand?" It turns out that the word that her student had given her for "reserved" meant "non-reserved" and the clerk was confused by the contradiction. The woman was rightly embarrassed when she found out about it.
I also saw a teacher that I had in Kyoto the summer before last and one that I had in Hiroshima this past summer. I ran into my college buddy, Mark, too. Those meetings were fleeting however, and I spent most of the conference going to things alone.
The conference was very helpful and I was struck by how much I still need to learn. I continually was asking myself if I am indeed really up to the task.
I hate this self doubt. It's in everything I do. Sometimes I wonder if I am being too hard on myself, if I am seeking perfection or something. I just find it hard to believe what people say about my work sometimes. Way back when, despite very positive feedback about my acting skills, I transferred out of the actors' program at my university, and lately, about my teaching skills I have been feeling woefully inept. This berating self-talk isn't good for me and has to stop.
What was the universe's answer to this? As I was heading out the door after the last workshop of the conference, this young man approached me and said that he had been wanting to meet me. He said he had observed me in many of the workshops and that the way I carried myself and the comments I made impressed him! He wanted me to consider teaching with him. As he was doing this, another woman came by and said she enjoyed my input at a couple of the sessions and then the drama workshop presenter came by, called me by name and said that I did a great job as well! I turned around to look and see if I had a "Please compliment me" sign on my back. Hearing it is one thing, but this time I think I accepted it all graciously too. It really made me feel good.
I came back to work all pumped up about what I had seen and heard at the conference. I debuted a new toy that I bought there that really has snagged the curiosity and interest of the students and the other day I adapted the drama idea for a class to great effect! Afterwards, one student came up to me and since she couldn't express in English what she was feeling, just gratefully shook my hand. That entire class was bubbling and I was so happy with the results. When I got back to the office, I told the other American teachers about the game and activity I did, and they immediately wanted to borrow my materials and try it out for themselves.
All of the outside encouragement has been great and I hope that I can do my part to honestly believe I do my best.