Song of Forgiveness
...written on 2000-12-16, @ 11:46:43
Tales of Kim's Life in Japan
Sat December 16, 2000
This little bar that we went to after the Boninkai Party could seat 10 people around the bar comfortably. The other 5 people of our party had to sit against the wall. We filled that bar to capacity.
There are many bars like this in Japan. They are called "Snacks" because you go in, drink and there are little foods like apples, walnuts, spicy crackers and pretzels to eat. Usually there is a karaoke set up as well. These bars charge you a fee to sit and drink by the hour. This ranges from US$70-$100 per person. I tried to ask Hide some questions about the details, but he wouldn't elaborate, so I don't know if you also then had to pay for the drinks on top of that. I know that you must pay from US$2-5 for every song that you sing. There were 15 of us and we all HAD to sing at least once. Shacho was footing the bill for this one.
Chad was the first one to sing and many others followed. I knew I would have to sing, so I was browsing through the English song titles. All of the Japanese sang and there were two men in particular that were very good. One of the secretaries also had a wonderful voice. Ivan didn't do too bad, but everyone cringed when dear old Chad picked up the microphone. Chad was pretty drunk and would also sing along with me or Ivan when we sang an English tune that he knew, that is, until Shacho made him shut up.
I had started to sing "Killing Me Softly" by Roberta Flack. I could feel that I was breathing heavily like I was nervous. I thought this was strange until I realized where it was coming from. . .
Incident #1
Spring quarter of my freshman year at Wright State University I had to audition for the musical, "Godspell". I HAD to. About a month before I had met the director and my dance instructor in the hallway and the director asked me if I was going to try out. I said "Maybe." He said if I didn't try out that my last name was going to be MUD. "Yeah," said the dance instructor, "Kim Mud". Grudgingly I picked out a song for the audition and practiced it somewhat a week before, but a few minutes before the audition I changed my selection to something else without having practiced it. I got up in front of my fellow students, the music director for the show, the director, and the dance instructor and sang the most horrendous rendition of "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha. It reeked so bad that the director and the dance instructor couldn't look at me though I was glaring and shooting daggers at them with every note. The music director in contrast looked like he was having a good time. Well, I got a part! A NON-SINGING role, that is, but my confidence in my singing ability was sorely shaken despite my music teacher's assertion that my voice had a wonderful tone.
Incident #2
Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
I was in the kitchen washing dishes and singing joyfully at the top of my lungs. Our house functioned as a dental clinic in front, living quarters in the middle and a rock band refuge in the back. I was merrily going about my business cleaning, when a patient was heard to remark, "My, someone sure is happy." Instants later the dark devil appeared over my shoulder and through gritted teeth spat out menacingly, "Don't you ever, EVER sing in this house again!" His words gripped my soul and throat like a vise. I didn't breathe until he left and I never sang again.
My voice wavered as all these things were going through my mind when I started singing "Killing Me Softly". I wanted to calm down, I wanted to sing like I had never sung before. I decided to use the emotions of the above two incidents in a positive way and reached inside for all the hurt, anger, humiliation and embarrassment I had felt then and wrapped them all up in forgiveness. I wanted to forgive myself.
My wavering voice became steady and clear, the bar fell silent. I continued with each phrase, richly imbuing the song's feeling with a bittersweet nuance. I saw Chad look at me many times as if in disbelief, the others had their eyes fixed on the screen trying to understand the words as I reached deeper and deeper into my heart. My fingers stretched out to rub against yet another luminescent layer, softly rubbing against the pearl, pressing, pushing, penetrating and then finally I experienced a soft releasing surrender.
When I finished singing everyone applauded loudly. Ivan turned to me with tears in his eyes and thanked me for singing. Chad touched my arm and said "Wow". I smiled to myself. I can sing again.